My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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