I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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