cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
