im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
