So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
