please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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