so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
