She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
