Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
