I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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