Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
