i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
