haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
