She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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