I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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