You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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