so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The Olympian is in my bed
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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