i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
