I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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