Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
