my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
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