God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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