He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
