At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
