I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
