The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
