I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
