she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
