I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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