I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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