I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
