If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
