the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
