dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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