I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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