he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
