we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
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