Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
So squirting runs in the family.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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