Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Not as such, no.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires