you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.