i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑