You're earring is so big in my mouth
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....