I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?