worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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