I can tuck mytits in my pants
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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