i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
