Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Randomize
