Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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