im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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