the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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