I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
