he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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