We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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