OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
