They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
