Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
