i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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