I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
