She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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