Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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