Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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