Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
