I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
